So, after a couple of months, I finally got a couch today! So, no more sitting on the confortable chairs the landlord provided me with! And, better still, the couch turns into a bed: God bless IKEA. Just hope the first month won’t break the damn thing.

However, getting a couch and assembling a couch isn’t that easy. First of all, IKEA is quite far from the University, which means that walking is insane, biking even insanier, and by bus.. well, I suppose you could do it, but it will take a long time and unnecessary stares.

So, the first step to get a couch is: get a friend with a car. Meet Steven, my dutch friend-with-a-car :D And with a hammer and an auto-screwer as well. Speaking of screwing, you’ll see that assembling a couch and having dirty sex have, honestly, much in common, at least in the terms you use. So, on with it.

The second obvious step is going to IKEA (make sure your friend-with-the-car knows the way) and choosing what you want; I actually chose it beforehand, but that’s me and my low budget/stubborn way.

After you get the couch, you get your friend-with-the-car-and-the-couch-by-now to your place. Luckily, he’ll have the right tools. So, afterwards, it’s just unpack the couch and start reading the instructions manual. Now, there a slight little tiny problem with assembling a couch: noise. Hammering over 40 plastic pins into wood boards _will_ get noisy. So, do it either in the afternoon of a rather busy day, when there’s no one in a radius of 100m that can hear you loud enough to complain, or do it on a weekend, afternoon as well. Just pray there’s no soul with a hangover next to your place. I sure hope my neighbours didn’t have one :x

On with the language. First of all, there’s the word screw and all the wrong meanings it may get. Then, you’ll hear shouts and muffled sentences, depending on where you are (don’t get excited over the muffling, it’s just when you’re laying down to check if the pins are in place). You’ll also hear small screams and panting, after hammering vigorously a set of 16 pins. Occasionally, you may also hear a loud scream if someone screws with the hammering and hits a finger, which fortunately, it didn’t happen to us.

So, let’s hypothetically think on a situation where you pass in front of your neighbour’s door and you hear panting and someone saying, muffled: “It’s not there yet, push harder”. Obviously, you’ll stop and hear a little bit more. Not because you’re interested on the action itself, but because gossiping will get you benefits later on. You then proceed with someone heavily complaning that he has “been trying to nail it but it’s a little bit skewed.”. He’ll then advise to “skew it a little bit to the left… Ah, that’s it, I’m in!”, the last part said triumphantly. By that time, you might hear the muffled voice saying something like “Auch! You pushed too hard!” followed by a “Sorry dude, it just slipped!”.

By now, you have ran away. Let those 2 dudes do whatever they’re up to.

Anyways, one hour later, lot’s of panting and hammering and screaming and not a single homossexual interaction, the result should be pleasant enough to shout out loud: “Yeah, ready to screw some girls on the couch!” (See why screw is ambiguous…).

Here’s my new couch! Not to screw girls, but for me. Now, all I have yet to buy are gay-ish stuff like a towel for the table, a board to eat on the couch, and a cover for the couch.

Thanks Steven, owe you one couch-assembling afternoon :P